The Conflict Within.

“Our own divided state of consciousness is what’s destroying everything.”
— Adyashanti

The Gestalt Prayer
I do my thing, and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I;
If by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

We perceive the world not as it is, but as we are. The world has no inherent existence; it's a recognisable pattern subject to interpretation. Through our senses, our brain derives meaning. Quantum mechanics even suggests that observing alters reality.

Our life experiences shape our brains—conditioning our perceptions. Rather than perceiving raw molecular dance, we overlay meaning via senses. Or as Alan Watts famously noted:
“The world is perceiving itself through our senses.”

We project beliefs onto the world like a hologram—each mind its own universe, though similar patterns facilitate shared narratives. These narratives become our reality: deeply felt, yet imprisoning. To transform the world, we must first shift our perceptions of ourselves and our surroundings.

— “You cannot do what you want, until you know what you are doing.” ± Moshé Feldenkrais

The Mask of Consciousness

Carl Jung placed the ego at the center of consciousness. He spoke of personas—masks we wear. But beyond these lie “parts”: unconscious fragments split from the whole self, born when a young mind couldn’t process trauma. These parts, each with its agenda, protect us from pain.

Fritz Perls (Gestalt psychotherapy) and Ron Kurtz (Hakomi therapy) describe unfinished business or missing experiences—often emotional, preverbal traumas that linger. Childhood needs unmet stall emotional cycles and embed distorted beliefs: “I am alone,” “I am unlovable,” “No one is there for me.”

A newborn, when nurtured, learns safety; if ignored, stress chemicals remain unregulated, reinforcing isolation. These unmet needs become wrong foundations. We don’t remember them consciously—but they shape our worldview.

“As a ‘belief engine’, the brain seeks meaning in its input… reinforces them by looking for supporting evidence while blinding itself to anything contrary.”
— A.C. Grayling

Unresolved needs—especially in formative years—cause parts of us to remain “in the foreground,” influencing behaviour and perception. For instance, a boy neglected at seven may carry fear into adulthood, projecting onto life the belief: “I am unsafe.” This dynamic plays out at scale between nations and peoples.

Alice Miller writes that resolving childhood wounds can prevent transference of hatred onto innocents and help individuals love what deserves love.

A Metaphysical View: Conflict Arises from Belief Fractures

Inner conflict stems from subconscious parts with divergent beliefs. These are shaped by family, society, and culture, forming the internal world we navigate. Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) speaks of these inner “parts”—each with a unique temperament and role.

Typically, they mean well, but trauma burdens them with fear and false beliefs. Beneath them lies the true Self, a state of healing and integration. Peter Levine’s Waking the Tiger and Hakomi’s mindfulness parallel this idea: inherent self-organization directs us toward healing.

Eckhart Tolle: “The presence in you was never touched by your suffering.”

This journey is one of deconditioning, returning to who we truly are, not who we were conditioned to be.

Opposites Attract: Relationships as Portals to Wholeness

Why are we drawn to certain people? Darwin’s natural selection emerges: attraction often seeks traits we lack—paths to wholeness. Our subconscious seeks completion through others, for better or worse.

In relationships, attachment styles reflect unmet childhood needs:

• Anxious: Craves reassurance, sensitive to rejection.

• Avoidant: Shields emotions, values independence.

• Secure: Healthy interdependence.

• Disorganised: A blend, often trauma-rooted.

An anxious and avoidant pairing illustrates this well: each unconsciously seeks in the other what they suppress in themselves. Initially magnetic, but eventually, triggers and projection emerge. If both can recognise and reintegrate their parts, the relationship can foster true wholeness—otherwise it collapses.

Similarly, narcissistic traits (limited empathy, grandiosity) attract co-dependent traits (self-sacrifice, approval-seeking). These dynamics are shadow reflections of disowned parts. Healing involves reclaiming those lost aspects. Alice Miller emphasises the legitimacy of a child’s need to be seen and respected; it shapes adult identity.

The False Self and Family Roles

Fritz Perls identified the false self—masks constructed for survival within societal and relational expectations. Healing requires stepping out of these roles to reconnect with our authentic core.

John Bradshaw’s family roles illustrate this:

• Golden Child: Perfectionist under unseen pressure.

• Mascot: Uses humour to deflect tension.

• Caretaker: Parental substitute, codependent.

• Hero: Success-driven to maintain family image.

• Scapegoat: Blamed, deeply wounded.

• Lost Child: Invisible, detached from need.

All these roles foster toxic shame—not guilt but a sense of being fundamentally flawed. Coping takes many forms: denial, perfectionism, anger, and addiction. Over time, this masks the true, vulnerable self.

Toward Healing

Therapeutic awakening may be sought or forced by life’s crises. Relationships can be catalysts, reflecting unconscious patterns. The journey is one of recognising disowned parts, working with wounds, and integrating them. From this emerges a deeper authenticity and freedom.